I never knew why
Why I felt like I was always drowning
Until I was in the lake and got water in my mouth
In that moment I remembered it was you
you , a little girl with evil intentions
preyed on me, a little girl filled with light
Pushed me under water
until I couldn’t breathe
thank God your sister saved me
Jumping in the pool screaming
If only she knew the full truth
What you really were doing to me through the years and years of forbidden torture
I used to like the water
swimming laps in the pool
the smell of the chlorine hitting the hot summer grass
Bare feet on heated concrete
Hair wet and eyes stinging red
Wrinkled skin
Cold when you get inside from being in the water under the hot sun
Running and jumping
Splashing and playing mermaids
Pretending there’s no care in the world
Daydreaming big
Until I knew what happens next
To the little girl filled with wonder and light
You sucked the life out of those stinging blue eyes
Never truly caring for her
Only wanting to destroy her sweet innocence
I wish I could get that back
Cause it really was mine first
And now it just hurts
Summertime isn’t easy
Full of pain soaking memories
I want to put it in the past because truly I’m traumatized
But somehow most of the time I can’t do that
Burning with unfortunate events replaying in my mind
Like a wildfire
Seeking to destroy the forest of my mind
Running to jump in the water
Only to drown over and over again
Wondering if I’ll really run out of breath this time
Because the more I remember the more I forget how to swim through the water of my core most inner parts of my very own body
I still don’t know why that very body began to betray me all those years
Maybe it’s because you taught me so well to believe I wasn’t really the victim
Brainwashing me till it started to take ahold of my whole identity
Thinking it’s my fault
But you didn’t only push that little fearless girl under water
You tied her down
Made her feel incapable to even speak her true mind
Her troubled understanding of what friends are even for
So since I’m that unfortunate little girl
I’ll continue to sabotage and destruct my life for you to laugh in my face
Pushing me down in to the black darkness until I can’t comprehend my own emotions
So deeply wounded
Unable to even trust myself fully
wondering how you got away with this
Just now able to fight back
I’m fighting back with kicks
Making a clear splash
For that little girl who couldn’t
She didn’t know how
And maybe she still doesn’t
Because her life as it seems is far off from what it could’ve been but at least she’s still breathing
I want to believe she’s healing
And one day
Oh one day she will know what it feels like to be free
Not sinking in that drowning feeling
No more disbelief
In herself or blacked out memories
Finally full of light again
Not haunted by mean memories of the past
But writing them down in ways that explain the current state of her soul
No longer running away from the truth of the matter
The bird in the cage will be set free
Flying with beautiful colors
Understanding the realness of her identity
She will finally remember to breathe
A girl who’s seen it all, wonderfully redeemed 