In the sailing (getaways part 2)

Honestly it feels like this ship will never pass

I’m the one standing on the ship , looking out to a never ending rocky sea full of pain

Tossed over the side of the boat in with the waves

It feels like I’m drowning so

Deep underwater I lay

With the broken shells on the bottom of the ocean floor, isn’t it wonderful how some people will never understand how much it hurts to be that shell , broken and thrown aside a million times over again?

Well, the pieces of that shell , that is me. Broken before you from the inside, yet they’ll never know

I’ll smile for the cameras

1.2.3! Flash

Smile for the photo op pretending everything is happy go lucky but

Selfishly I want to hide from the world so deep in that ocean on the boat in the midst of the waves

But instead I’ll show up for everybody, every event, anytime for human interaction that somehow feeds the depths of my soul in a way where there for a moment I forget how I truly feel but

If I’m being honest

I don’t think that shell will ever be fully recovered or put back together

Thrown away too many times

Maybe it’s my own doing

Or maybe it’s just reality

So deeply torn between who I want to be and who I’ve become

Wounded and battered from within the deepest complex parts of my brain

Can I be put together or is there a litany of reasons why I can’t..

reasons so un fathomable I can hardly remember how it feels like to truly breathe or even speak

I swam to shore

looking for safety

To feel something real

To catch a break from the turmoil from within but

Like a fish out of water I am

Gasping for a clear breath

Cut in the wings

Battered and broken bleeding from within jumping for air hoping someone will take notice

But maybe it truly is my fault because too I am

Like a moth to a flame I fly into unhealthy spaces in my mind

Which lead me to the ways of the deep dark cloudy ocean of despair

Little do they know

I feel so alone

I keep running

Flying into the situations set before me I feel like I’m

As tiny as an ant on the ground

Surrounded by water

Trapped with not a safe place to go

Wandering and ponding if there’s any reasonable direction I can run to

Is it you?

Do you truly see me and want to restore my heart?

You say you do but how do I trust that is true

How do I believe in myself enough to even begin to trust in you?!

Lonely I escape

Despite the fact that I’m desperate for change

Maybe I’m destined for the life at sea

Constantly chasing the waves of new highs

Crashing in the lows

Wandering at bay

Wishing I could change