I’ve been in a dark time, listening to the enemy. Going back to my old ways deciding it was better to “deconstruct” my faith. I thought I was freeing myself from a painful reality of living with thoughts I cannot control, yet I was hollow inside, hopeless and deeply depressed. I have never felt a difference in connecting emotionally and romantically with a woman as some would with a man. I thought that my faith was destroying my idea of a clear and beautiful future. Yet I knew deep down that my belief of attraction towards women is deeply rooted in the fact that I faced nine years of childhood sexual abuse with a girl. My body has reacted and ingrained sexual feelings towards women from the time I was seven years old. I didn’t want to believe that the reason I’m facing these thoughts was because of what I went through. It felt like my body was betraying me and my identity was shattered. I didn’t believe that I could experience true freedom in Christ alone and truly understand my identity belongs in him. I was so hopeless, angry and confused, that even at times I thought about ways to end my life. My whole world was shifting and I couldn’t figure out why , I just felt like I had to pull the trigger on everything revolving God around me and let go. Why would I trust in him if these feelings weren’t going away? Why would I choose to believe that it’s wrong for my life to be in relationships with women if it feels so natural to me?
Well the Lord is follow knows me Better than I know myself. He has seen and been through everything I have faced right there beside me, it’s just a matter of choosing to believe it and accept it. The truth is in Jesus Christ my savior, the only one who can show me what true freedom means, looks like and feels like. He is my hope and future. I don’t have to rely on human connection to make a good name for myself, feel loved or valued. I know the desires of my heart are real and he has placed them there for a reason farther than what I could possibly imagine. One day I’ll get to be a mother, a wife, successful, joy filled, helping others, mentally healthy and full of peace because my heart resides in God. What a beautiful picture that is to trust in that. His plans far surpass my dreams and expectations for my own life. I don’t have to live in fear, worry, control and anger anymore. I get to choose to follow the Lord and grow in confident connection with him. The devil is King of lies and deception and tried to prevert my future by taking that away from me. I am strong in Jesus and know that I can overcome my circumstances if I rely on his grace. He will sustain and encourage me moving forward in love and peace throughout the trails I face. I know that life can feel dark and times will get hard but my trust is in him and his guidance for my life. Feelings are not facts. I can choose to let the Lord renew my mind and give me strength. What a beautiful blessing it is to know my soul is safe within him.
A girl who’s seen it all, wonderfully redeemed 